All lyrics typed by me, though Original Lyrics written by Alan Lerner.
---I WONDER WHAT THE KING IS DOING TONIGHT---
ARTHUR
I know what my people are thinking tonight
As home through the shadows they wander
Everyone's smiling in secret delight
They stare at the castle and ponder
Whenever the wind blows this way
You can almost hear everyone say
"I wonder what the king is doing tonight
What merriment is the king pursuing tonight?
The candles at the court, they never burned as bright
I wonder what the king is up to tonight
How goes the final hour as he sees the bridal bower being regally and legally prepared?"
Well, I'll tell you what the king is doing tonight
He's scared, he's scared
You mean that a king who fought a dragon, whacked him in two and fixed his wagon
Goes to be wed in terror and distress?
Yes!
A warrior who's so calm in battle even his armor doesn't rattle faces a woman petrified with fright?
Right!
You mean that apalling clammering that sounds like a blacksmith hammering is merely the banging of his royal knees?
Please!
You wonder what the king is wishing tonight?
He's wishing he were in Scotland fishing tonight
What occupies his time while waiting for the bride?
He's searching high and low for someplace to hide
And, oh, the expectation, the sublime anticipation he must feel about the wedding night to come
Well, I'll tell you what the king is feeling tonight
He's numb, he shakes, he quails, he quakes
And that's what the king is doing tonight
---THE SIMPLE JOYS OF MAIDENHOOD---
GUENEVERE
Saint Genevieve, Saint Genevieve
It's Guenevere, remember me?
Saint Genevieve, Saint Genevieve
I'm over here beneath this tree
You know how faithful and devout I've been
You must admit I've always been a lamb
But Genevieve, Saint Genevieve
I won't obey you any more
You've gone a bit too far
I won't be bid and bargained for like beads at a bazaar
Saint Genevieve, I've run away, eluded them and fled
And from now on I intend to pray to someone else instead
Oh, Genevieve, Saint Genevieve
Where were you when my youth was sold?
Dear Genevieve, sweet Genevieve
Shan't I be young before I'm old?
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Where are all those adoring, daring boys?
Where's the knight pining so for me
He leaps to death in woe for me?
Oh, where are a maiden's simple joys?
Shan't I have the normal life a maiden should?
Shall I never be rescued in the wood?
Shall two knights never tilt for me
And let their blood be spilt for me?
Oh, where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Shall I not be on a pedestal
Worshipped and competed for?
Not be carried off or, better still
Cause a little war?
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Are these sweet, gentle pleasures gone for good?
Shall a feud not begin for me?
Shall kith not kill their kin for me?
Oh, where are the trivial joys
Harmless convivial joys
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
---CAMELOT---
ARTHUR
A law was made a distant moon ago here
July and August cannot be too hot
And there's a legal limit to the snow here
In Camelot
The winter is forbidden 'till December
And exits March the second on the dot
By order summer lingers through September
In Camelot
Camelot, Camelot
I know it sounds a bit bizarre
But in Camelot, Camelot
That's how conditions are
The rain may never fall 'till after sundown
By eight the morning fog must dissapear
In short, there's simply not a more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering
Than here in Camelot
Camelot, Camelot
I know it gives a person pause
But in Camelot, Camelot
Those are the legal laws
The snow may never slush upon the hillside
By nine PM the moonlight must appear
In short, there's simply not a more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering
Than here in Camelot
---FOLLOW ME---
NIMUE
Far from day, far from night
Out of time, out of sight
In between earth and sea we shall fly
Follow me
Dry the rain, warm the snow
Where the winds never go
Follow me, follow me, follow me
To a cave by a sapphire shore
Where we'll walk through an emerald door
And for thousands of breathless evermores my life you shall be
Only you, only I
World farewell, world goodbye
To our home 'neath the sea we shall fly
Follow me
Only you, only I
World farewell, world goodbye
To our home 'neath the sea we shall fly
Follow me
Follow me, follow me, follow me
---C'EST MOI---
LANCELOT
Camelot, Camelot
In far-off France I heard your call
Camelot, Camelot
And here am I to give my all
I know in my soul what you expect of me
And all that and more I shall be
A knight of the table round should be invincible
Succeed where a less fantastic man would fail
Climb a wall no one else can climb
Cleave a dragon in record time
Swim a moat in a coat of heavy iron mail
No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable
Impossible deeds should be his daily fare
But where in the world is there in the world
A man so extroardinaire?
C'est moi, c'est moi, I'm forced to admit
" 'Tis I", I humbly reply
That mortal who these marvels can do
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I
I've never lost in battle or game
I'm simply the best by far
When swords are crossed, 'tis always the same
One blow and au revoir
C'est moi, c'est moi, so admirably fit
A french Prometheus unbound
And here I stand with valor untold
Exceptionally brave, amazingly bold
To serve at the table round
The soul of a knight should be a thing remarkable
His heart and his mind as pure as morning dew
With a will and a self-restraint that's the envy of evey saint
He could easily work a miracle or two
To love and desire he ought to be unsparkable
The ways of the flesh should offer no allure
But where in the world is there in the world
A man so untouched and pure?
C'est moi, c'est moi, I blush to disclose
I'm far too noble to lie
That man in whom these qualities bloom
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I
I've never strayed from all I believe
I'm blessed with an iron will
Had I been made the partner of Eve, we'd be in Eden still
C'est moi, c'est moi, the angels have chose
To fight their battles below
And here I stand as pure as a prayer
Incredibly clean, with virtue to spare
The godliest man I know
C'est moi
---THE LUSTY MONTH OF MAY---
GUENEVERE
Tra la, it's May, the lusty month of May
That lovely month when everyone goes blissfully astray
Tra la, it's here, that shocking time of year
When tons of little wicked thoughts merrily appear
It's May, it's May, that gorgeous holiday
When every maiden prays that her lad
Will be a cad
It's mad, it's gay, a libelous display
Those dreary vows that everyone takes everyone breaks
Everyone makes divine mistakes
The lusty month of May
Whence this fragrance wafting through the air?
What sweet feelings does its scent transmute?
Whence this perfume floating everywhere?
Don't you know, it's that dear forbidden fruit
Tra la la la la, that dear forbidden fruit
Tra la la la la
CHORUS
Tra la la la la
GUENEVERE
Tra la la la la
CHORUS
Tra la la la la
GUENEVERE
Tra la
CHORUS
Tra la
GUENEVERE
Tra la
CHORUS
Tra la
GUENEVERE
Tra la la la la la la la la la
It's May, the lusty month of May
That darling month when everyone throws self-control away
It's time to do a wretched thing or two
And try to make each precious day one you'll always rue
It's May, it's May, the month of "yes, you may"
The time for every frivolous whim, proper or im-
It's wild, it's gay, a blot in every way
The birds and bees with all of their vast amorous past
Gaze at the human race aghast
CHORUS
The lusty month of May
GUENEVERE
Tra la, it's May, the lusty month of May
CHORUS
That lovely month when everyone goes blissfully astray
Tra la, it's here, that shocking time of year
When tons of little wicked thoughts merrily appear
It's May, it's May, the month of great dismay
GUENEVERE
When all the world is brimming with fun, wholesome or un-
ALL
It's mad, it's gay, a libelous display
Those dreary vows that everyone takes, everyone breaks
Everyone makes divine mistakes
The lusty month of May
---THEN YOU MAY TAKE ME TO THE FAIR---
GUENEVERE
(spoken)
Sir Lionel!
(sung)
Do you recall the other night that I distinctly said you might
Serve as my escort at the next town fair?
Well, I'm afraid there's someone who I must invite in place of you
Someone who plainly is beyond compare
That Frenchman's power is more tremendous than I have e'er seen anywhere
And when a man is that tremendous
He, by right, should take me to the fair
SIR LIONEL
(spoken)
Your majesty, let me tilt with him and smite him!
Don't refuse me so abruptly, I implore!
Oh, give me the opportunity to fight him
And Gaul will be divided once more!
GUENEVERE
You'll bash and thrash him?
SIR LIONEL
I'll smash and mash him.
GUENEVERE
You'll give him trouble?
SIR LIONEL
He will be rubble.
GUENEVERE
A mighty whack?
SIR LIONEL
His skull will crack.
GUENEVERE
Well...
(sung)
Then you may take me to the fair
If you do all the things you promise
In fact, my heart would break should you not take me to the fair
(spoken)
Sir Sagramore!
(sung)
I have some rather painful news relative to the subject who's
To be beside me at the next court ball
You were the chosen one, I know, but as tradition it should go
To the unquestioned champion in the hall
And I'm convinced that splendid Frenchman can easily conquer one and all
And besting all our local henchmen
He should sit beside me at the ball
SIR SAGRAMORE
(spoken)
I beg of you, ma'am, withhold your invitation.
I swear to you this challenge will be met.
And when I have finished up the operation,
I'll serve him to your highness en brochette!
GUENEVERE
You'll pierce right through him?
SIR SAGRAMORE
I'll barbecue him!
GUENEVERE
A wicked thrust?
SIR SAGRAMORE
'Twill be dust to dust!
GUENEVERE
From fore to aft?
SIR SAGRAMORE
He'll feel a draft!
GUENEVERE
Well then...
(sung)
You may sit by me at the ball
If you demolish him in battle
In fact, I know I'd cry were you not by me at the ball
(spoken)
Sir Dinadan!
(sung)
Didn't I promise that you may guide me to London on the day
That I go up to judge the cattle show?
As it is quite a nasty ride there must be someone at my side
Who'll be defending me from beast and foe
So when I choose whom I prefer go, I take the strongest knight I know
And young du Lac seems strongest, ergo
He should take me to the cattle show
SIR DINADAN
(spoken)
Your Majesty can't believe this blustering prattle-
Let him prove it with a sword or lance instead!
I promise you, when I've done this Gaul in battle
His shoulders will be lonesome for his head!
GUENEVERE
You'll disconnect him?
SIR DINADAN
I'll vivisect him.
GUENEVERE
You'll open-wide him?
SIR DINADAN
I'll subdivide him.
GUENEVERE
Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
(sung)
Then you may guide me to the show
If you can carry out your program
In fact, I'd grieve inside should you not guide me to the show
SIRS LIONEL, SAGRAMORE, DINADAN
Milady, we shall put an end to that Galic bag of noise and nerve
When we do all that we intend to
He'll be a plate of French hors d'ouvres!
GUENEVERE
I do applaud your noble goals
Now let us see if you achieve them
And if you do, then you will be the three who go to the ball, to the show
And take me to the fair
---HOW TO HANDLE A WOMAN---
ARTHUR
How to handle a woman?
There's a way, said the wise old man
A way known by every woman
Since the whole rigamarole began
"Do I flatter her?", I begged him answer
"Do I threaten or cajole or plead?"
"Do I brood or play the gay romancer?"
Said he, smiling, "No indeed"
"How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her
Simply love her
Merely love her, love her, love her"
How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her
Simply love her
Merely love her, love her, love her
---BEFORE I GAZE AT YOU AGAIN---
GUENEVERE
Before I gaze at you again
I'll need a time for tears
Before I gaze at you again
Let hours turn to years
I have so much forgetting to do
Before I try to gaze again at you
Stay away until you cross my mind barely once a day
Stay away until I wake and find I can smile and say
That I shall gaze at you again
Without a blush or qualm
My eyes will shine like new again
My manner poised and calm
No sign of tears, not even a sigh
And so, till when we gaze again, goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
---IF I WOULD EVER LEAVE YOU---
LANCELOT
If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer, I never would go
Your hair streaked with sunlight
Your lips red as flame
Your face with a luster that puts gold to shame
But if I'd ever leave you
How could it be in autumn?
How I'd leave in autumn I never would know
I've seen how you sparkle
When fall nips the air
I know you in autumn and I must be there
And could I leave you running merrily through the snow
Or on a wintery evening when you catch the fire's glow?
If ever I would leave you
How could it be in springtime
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?
No, no, not in springtime
Summer, winter, or fall
No, never could I leave you at all
If ever I would leave you
How could it be in springtime
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?
No, no, not in springtime
Summer, winter, or fall
No, never could I leave you at all
---THE SEVEN DEADLY VIRTUES:)---
MORDRED
The seven deadly virtues, those ghastly little traps
Oh no, my liege, they were not meant for me
Those seven deadly virtues were made for other chaps
Who love a life of failure and ennui
Take courage-now there's a sport
An invitation to the state of rigor mort
And purity-a noble yen
And very restful every now and then
I find humility means to be hurt
It's not the earth the meek inherit, it's the dirt
Honesty is fatal, it should be taboo
Diligence-a fate I would hate
If charity means giving, I give it to you
And fidelity is only for your mate
You'll never find a virtue unstatusing my quo or making my Beelzebubble burst
Let others take the high road, I will take the low
I cannot wait to rush in where angels fear to go
With all those sevn deadly virtues free and happy little me has not been cursed
---WHAT DO THE SIMPLE FOLK DO?---
GUENEVERE
What do the simple folk do
To help them escape when they're blue?
The shepard who is ailing, the milkmaid who is glum
The cobbler who is wailing from nailing his thumb
When they're beset and besieged
The folk not noblessly obliged
However do they manage to shed their weary lot?
Oh, what do simple folk do we do not?
ARTHUR
I have been informed by those who know them well
They find relief in quite a clever way
When they're sorely pressed, they whistle for a spell
And whistling seems to brighten up their day
And that's what simple folk do
So they say
GUENEVERE
They whistle?
ARTHUR
So they say
(they whistle for a while)
GUENEVERE
What else do the simple folk do
To pluck up the heart and get through?
The wee folk and the grown folk
Who wander to and fro
Have ways known to their own folk
We throne folk don't know
When all the doldrums begin
What keeps each of them in his skin?
What ancient native custom provides the needed glow?
Oh, what do simple folk do?
Do you know?
ARTHUR
Once, upon the road, I came upon a lad
Singing in a voice three times his size
When I asked him why, he told me he was sad
And singing always made his spirits rise
And that's what simple folk do
I surmise
GUENEVERE
They sing?
ARTHUR
I surmise
BOTH
Arise, my love, arise, my love
Apollo's lighting the skies, my love
The meadows shine with columbine
And daffodils blossom away
Hear Venus call to one and all
And taste delight while you may
The world is bright and all is right
And life is merry and gay
GUENEVERE
What else do the simple folk do?
They must have a system or two
They obviously outshine us at turning tears to mirth
And tricks a royal highness is minus from birth
What, then, I wonder, do they
To chase all the goblins away?
They have some tribal sorcery you haven't mentioned yet
Oh, what do simple folk do to forget?
ARTHUR
Often, I am told, they dance a fiery dance
And whirl 'till they're completely uncontrolled
Soon the mind is blank and oh, they're in a trance
A violent trance astounding to behold
And that's what simple folk do
So I'm told
GUENEVERE
They dance?
ARTHUR
So I'm told
(they dance)
GUENEVERE
What else do the simple folk do
To help them escape when they're blue?
ARTHUR
They sit around and wonder what royal folk would do
And that's what simple folk do
GUENEVERE
(spoken)
Oh, no, really?
ARTHUR
I have it on the best authority.
BOTH
(sung)
Yes, that's what simple folk do
---FIE ON GOODNESS---
CHORUS
Fie on goodness, fie
Fie on goodness, fie
Eight years of kindness to your neighbor
Making sure that the meek are treated well
Eight years of philanthropic labor
Derry down dell
Damn, but it's hell
Oh, fie on goodness, fie
Fie, fie, fie
It's been depressing all the way (derry down, derry down)
And getting glummer every day (derry down, derry down)
KNIGHT 1
Ah, but to burn a little town or slay a dozen men
Anything to laugh again
ALL
Oh, fie on goodness, fie
Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie
KNIGHT 1
When I think of the rollicking pleasures that earlier filled my life
Lolly lo, lolly lo
Like the time I beheaded a man who was beating his naked wife
ALL
Lolly lo, lolly lo
KNIGHT 1
I can still hear his widow say
Never moving from where she lay
"Tell me what can I do, I beg, sir, of you
Your kindness to repay"
ALL
Fie on goodness, fie
Fie on goodness, fie
KNIGHT 2
Lechery and vice have been arrested
KNIGHT 3
Arrested!
KNIGHT 2
Not a maiden is evermore in threat
Virgins may wander unmolested
KNIGHT 4
Unmolested!
ALL
Lolly lo let
Gad, it's a sweat
Oh, fie on goodness, fie
Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie
KNIGHT 5
How we roared and brawled in Scotland
Not a law was e'er obeyed
And when wooing called in Scotland
We'd grab any pasing maid
Ah, my heart is still in Scotland
Where the lasses woo the best
On some bonny hill in Scotland
Stroking someone's bonny...
CHORUS
Fie on Scotland, fie
Fie on Scotland, fie
No one repents for any sin now
Every soul is immaculate and trim
SOME KNIGHTS
Immaculate!
CHORUS
No one is covered with chagrin now
Lolly lo lim
Gad, but it's grim
Oh, fie on goodness, fie
Fie, fie, fie
There's not a folly to deplore
Derry down, derry down
Confession Sunday is a bore
Derry down, derry down
KNIGHT 1
Ah, but to spend a tortured evening staring at the floor
Guilty and alive once more
CHORUS
Oh, fie on virtue, fie
Fie on mercy, fie
Fie on justice
Fie on goodness
Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie
---I LOVED YOU ONCE IN SILENCE---
GUENEVERE
I loved you once in silence
And misery was all I knew
Trying so to keep my love from showing
All the while not knowing you loved me too
Yes, loved me in lonesome silence
Your heart filled with dark despair
Knowing love would flame in you forever
And I'd never, never know the flame was there
Then one day we cast away our secret longing
The raging tide we held inside would hold no more
The silence at last was broken
We flung wide our prison door
Every joyous word of love was spoken
And now there's twice as much grief
Twice the strain for us
Twice the despair
Twice the pain for us
As we had known before
The silence at last was broken
We flung wide our prison door
Every joyous word of love was spoken
And after all had been said here we are, my love
Silent once more, and not far, my love
From where we were before
---GUENEVERE---
SOLO
Oh, they found Guenevere
With her bold cavalier
And as swords rang through the hall
Lance escaped them, one and all
On a day dark and drear
Came to trial Guenevere
Ruled the jury for her shame
She be sentenced to the flame
CHORUS
Early dawn was the time
She would pay for her crime
Or would Lancelot reappear
Come and rescue Guenevere?
SOLO
I'll wager the king himself is hoping he will return
Why would he have chosen five AM for the queen to burn?
When the world is black and gray, what time would be more ideal
For Lancelot to steal Guenevere?
CHORUS
As the dawn filled the sky
On the day she would die
There was wonder far and near
Would the king burn Guenevere?
SOLO
Then suddenly earth and sky were dazed by a pounding roar
And suddenly through the dawn an army began to pour
And lo, ahead the army, holding aloft his spear
Came Lancelot to save his dear Guenevere
CHORUS
By the score fell the dead
As the sky turned to red
Countless numbers felt his spear
As he rescued Guenevere
In that dawn, in that gloom
More than love met its doom
In the dying candle's gleam
Came the sundown of a dream
Guenevere, Guenevere
In that dim, mournful year
Saw the men she held most dear
Go to war for Guenevere
Guenevere, Guenevere
Guenevere, Guenevere
Saw the men she held most dear
Go to war for Guenevere
Guenevere, Guenevere, Guenevere
---FINALE---
ARTHUR
Each evening from December to December
Before you drift to sleep upon your cot
Think back on all the tales that you remember
Of Camelot
Ask every person if he's heard the story
And tell it strong and clear if he has not
That once there was a fleeting wisp of glory
Called Camelot
CHORUS
Camelot, Camelot
I know it gives a person pause
But in Camelot, Camelot
Those were the legal laws
ARTHUR
Where once it never rained till after sundown
By 8 AM the morning fog had flown
Don't let it be forgot
That once there was a spot
For one brief, shining moment
CHORUS
That was known as Camelot